No more blaming the victim!

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/06/26/opinion/sunday/who-blames-the-victim.html?_r=0

In my work in psychotherapy, I have found that the feelings that are most associated with mental health barriers are guilt and shame.  Learning to accept oneself completely is an ongoing practice that can take a lot of introspection, reflection, and hard work.  More reflection on this topic can be seen in an earlier post for relinquishing shame.  I think what makes the work of self acceptance doubly hard, is that we can be quick to blame ourselves in our attempt to make sense of what has occurred 

Earlier this week I came across the article (see link above), which discusses different studies that found evidence for which beliefs/values lead to victim-blaming.  "Loyalty, obedience, and purity" are beliefs that are termed "binding values", as they promote group cohesion.  The studies found that those that identify with these beliefs are more apt to blame a victim, and to see them as "contaminated" following a crime.  

For me, I also felt that these findings were applicable to why victims can also blame themselves.  For instance, when a child is abused or neglected by their parent, they often blame themselves on some level for the abuse.  This occurs because children are naturally self centered (as they should be in their developmental stage), but also as a means to continue to attach to and bond with their caregivers.  They identify with the role ("you're bad") that has been given to them by their parents and see themselves as to blame.   At the same time, I think our individual selves (the part that is wholly our own) can feel that this mistreatment is deeply hurtful and confusing.  This conflict between feeling like you are to blame while simultaneously rejecting that blame, leads to great internal strife in a child, and into adulthood.

In addition to it's pertinence in Attachment Theory, I also feel the article is relevant for the current issue of violence toward people of color from police all over the United States. I feel that the creation of a threat (which I see as blaming the victim), can propagate violence toward a particular group of individuals.  This was seen in WWII from the Nazi party toward Jewish people, and I feel that in our country there is an unjust fear and mistrust toward persons of color.  The "purity and loyalty" values that I am sure members of the police feel toward one another may allow for a continued justification of their actions.

Whichever level of you look at it, the article is a thought provoking and quick read.  It helps to show that by valuing the individual, care and happiness can promote more understanding of one another.  I hope that you find this article as helpful as I did!

Love is love

The events in Orlando FL have shocked and effected millions of people across the world.  The media is a blaze with justifications of why this occurred: mental health, religion, homophobia, gun control.  It is dizzying and disheartening trying to filter all these possible explanations, as I feel (and I am sure others feel) compelled to seek out the true reason.  In the wake of horrifying crimes, all we can do is try to understand what we have just witnessed.

As I was leaving work yesterday, I heard crowds in the West Village roaring in unison.  In spite of my deep sadness at the immense loss of life at PULSE, all I could feel was strength, unity, and love in the words shouted.  I feel deeply disturbed when such killings occur, and they have become rampant in the United States, but violence and hate is a worldwide epidemic.

Although death is inevitable, it is so hard to accept when it occurs in such a wasteful and hateful fashion.  These kinds of events need to be discussed and should not be tolerated.  Yet, as members of the human race, I feel that we have to be accepting and loving to all living beings.  It makes the processing of such events complex and take time.

I hope that we all find the time to reflect and mourn the loss of those who have perished, and find our own resolve to live in a way that can lovingly influence those around us.

What inspires you?

How can we stay positive and persevere through difficult times?  I think its important for all of us to stay connected to those things that lift us up, as this is what protects us and gives shelter.  For me, music is a great way to elevate mood, inspire, and feel solace.  Nina Simone is one of my favorites, hence the above video.  What inspires you?

Mindfulness Practice

Although I have continued to keep my meditation practice in the past week, I was not able to post on the blog weekly as I had initially wanted. I felt a lot of regret for not posting, and then some avoidance each time I thought about what to write.  I felt anxiety about revealing more about myself, but I also wanted to provide something new to the audience, and was not sure what would be the most helpful.

"...once we get a little derailed due to a change, we feel bad about it and are less likely to get back on track." (Babatua, Zen Habits: Mastering the Art of Change, pg.99)

After reading the above passage, I was inspired to practice what I preach, and try to work through the negative feelings that were delaying my posting.  Below is a link to a meditation from Jack Kornfield, who is one of my favorites.  It is called "Developing a Healing Attention", and I chose it because it is what I feel is one of the best things we can give to ourselves daily (for free!).

I also aim to cultivate this kind of attention in each of my clients as they move through the psychotherapy process.  By that, I mean that the process of self discovery includes looking at different aspects of ourselves, but this should be done with loving kindness, not with a critical eye.  Even holding our own negative thoughts can be a challenge, but it is important to see how we think about ourselves and others, and how those thoughts effect our actions.

https://jackkornfield.com/developing-healing-attention/

Good Read for Anyone Changing a Habit

For the past three weeks, I have been reading Essential Zen Habits by Leo Babatua for assistance with learning a method to change or add a new habit.  Habit change is often a presenting issue for many of my clients, and I thought it could be beneficial to go through the process myself, as I too have had trouble with shifting habits.  I chose to add the new habit of a 15 minute meditation to my daily routine. 

Commitment to something larger then oneself is a major component of habit change, according to Babatua.   This has been my own experience, and I have heard from many of my clients that it is "hard to do something just for myself".  Although one hopes to be compassionate and loving toward themselves, it is not always easy and often seems "selfish". Loving and treating oneself well is a skill that for many needs to be cultivated.  Even in my own efforts to implement meditation in a daily practice, I found a lot of self criticism coming up in me.

For instance, one of the suggested techniques in Essential Zen Habits is to create a blog as a means to help hold yourself accountable to your effort . I had just started this website/blog, so it seemed like a perfect opportunity to try this technique.  Yet, each time I thought of posting, I became very fearful and abandoned my intention.  

Interestingly enough, through using the mindfulness practice I became aware of my inner monologue around posting, which was incredibly critical!  "You aren't the best writer" and "It will be hard to communicate what you need to say" or "Others will not understand what you mean and maybe will take offense; better wait until you have more time to think this through".  This "childish mind" as Babatua terms it, "always tries to run away from discomfort".  Yet, by sitting through the discomfort and just by starting to write the first sentence allowed me to make this post today.

I am not the best writer, and I hope that this post does not offend anyone, but I also do not want to stop trying just because of my fears.  My intention in writing this post is to share a great resource to readers,  but also to strengthen my own habits that I wish to foster. Hopefully that intention was communicated in this post.

Thanks for reading!

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Relational Psychotherapy & Learning from one another

Relational Psychotherapy is based in the belief that satisfying relationships with others positively effects our emotional and psychological well-being.  Relational Psychotherapy is probably my most utilized practice with clients, as the therapeutic relationship as the primary mechanism for change.  Interaction between therapist and a client, in addition to discussion of the each participant's experience of that relationship, deepens the understanding of the self and others.  The link below will direct you to the Toronto Institute for Relational Psychotherapy website, which gives a great explanation of this work.

http://www.tirp.ca/therapy.html

Before I go, I wanted to stress the dynamic nature of psychotherapy.  As a client, you should and will be the primary focus of treatment with the aim to heal and grow.  Yet, therapists also will learn and grow as practitioners (and as humans in general) due to their interactions with clients.  For me, learning about each client I have been able to work with is fascinating in its own right.  Yet, more importantly, being with clients during grave situations, witnessing their ability to be honest about their own lives, and communicating about their experience in therapy, have all taught me how to be in the present moment and improve the services I provide.

I feel very privileged to continue to get to know each of my clients, and feel grateful to have been given the opportunity to learn from each of them.  I guess, all I really want to say is a heartfelt thank you to all of my existing clients!

Relinquishing Shame

http://12kindsofkindness.com/the-steps/dont-beat-yourself-up/jessie/

I encourage everyone to look at the entire 12 kinds of kindness project.  I love that this project is "an exercise in empathy" (http://www.wired.com/2016/01/12-kinds-of-kindness-is-a-12-step-program-for-beating-your-selfishness/), and I am very proud to know one of the contributing members.  

I wanted to post this particular step, where Jessie discussed her past struggle with an eating disorder, trauma and abuse, as well as depression.   Opening up and being vulnerable about our own story is a courageous step in the healing process.  I think that much of what Jessica eloquently states is relatable, and normalizes mental illness.  I admire Tim and Jessie's efforts to open up about their personal struggles, as it paves the way for others to do the same.  Lastly, I hope that more efforts like these will breed an acceptance and greater understanding of mental illness.

Welcome!

Thank you for visiting my resources page.  I post what inspires me and informs my practice.  I hope that you visit again soon.